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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Blah day...

Maybe it's the fact that it's been gray and gloomy all day... Maybe it's the fact that it's been snowing (yes, SNOWING) all day... Maybe it's the fact that our highest temperature struggled to reach -1C (about 30F)... Maybe it's because I spent the better part of the morning dealing with the realization that my father is most likely never coming home from the hospital... Whatever the combination is/was, I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there...period.
I am really out of sorts. I did have the morning off, as we've been trying to work on getting Dad home since Monday. In fact, last Friday, he was chomping at the bit, anxious to finally be out of the hospital (has been in since April 8th) and return to his house and his stuff. Then the weekend hit, and he started to have second thoughts. By Monday, he was not ready to come home and kept having anxiety attacks to prove it. Monday night's visit was short, as he was groggy and anti-social. Tuesday's discharge came and went, and a meeting with the nurses, doctors, social workers, transition team, Mom and Dad was set up. Hence the morning off. Picked up Mom, grabbed a coffee and got to the hospital and Dad's room in time to wait. Everyone else was 'gathering', so the physio and I had a good conversation about Dad (who sat there staring blankly at all of us) and where he was with his physio. There was nothing more she could do for him. Guess I should explain what he has...Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease or COPD. A fancy title for Emphysema. He was a life-time heavy smoker, paying the ultimate price, sadly. Anyway, after the doctors came in the room, it was determined that he once again has pneumonia, and will most likely spend another week in the hospital before they'll think about discharging him. BUT they won't be discharging him to home. Mom's heart is heart is breaking...but we have to do what is best for Dad. Mom is confused (the memory problems don't help at all here!), but I think I got it through to her that she just doesn't have the knowledge or strength to look after Dad anymore. He needs round the clock care, and the hospital needs the bed for other patients. Very sad cycle. The transition nurse kept talking about care facilities where Mom could live as well, but that just sends up another wall of anger, as "she's not leaving her house, E.V.E.R"! Sigh...seriously, I am one person...I can only deal with one crisis at a time!!
After deciding to meet again next week, we left, literature in hand, dropped Mom off and phoned my boss. Told her I needed a mental health day, which she quickly told me to enjoy. Have I mentioned that I work for a phenomenal company/group of people?! I got home, had a bowl of oatmeal (oh, how I wanted to support RMDH and buy about a hundred Egg McMuffins this morning!! And Big Macs!!!!!), and seriously crawled back into bed for a good 2 hour "hide from the world" nap.
I spent the rest of the afternoon doing my very best to NOT inhale everything I could lay my hands on. I wanted pizza, Big Macs, fries, grease in general, ice cream, cookies...gee, emotional eating cues??? I did have some KD, as I was starving, and that helped the cravings...a bit.
Spoke with both my brothers, had another cry, and caved. I went to the corner drug store and came home with chips & salsa, chili (my ode to Cinco de Mayo), chocolate TimTams (Australian biscuits - OMG!) and Hagen Daas Swiss Almond ice cream. I caved BIG!! Had some chips & salsa, had some cookies, had some ice cream, am saving the chili (and some roasted sweet potato chunks) for lunch tomorrow. Acknowledge the emotion and survive it...phew.
Looking forward to a run tomorrow - didn't do the Tempo yesterday (85km winds were a little too daunting) and today was, well, as you can see a total write-off, so I will run tomorrow. My younger brother has already said he'd take Mom over to the hospital, so I can run after work. It will feel good.
That's all I've's been a rather rough week. I do hope the weather improves, as I really, really hate the doom and gloom. At least winters in Calgary, despite the snow and cold, are usually bright and sunny. I don't do well with the colour gray.

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